This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write about in my life. One sentence in and I’m already tearing up. 2013 was the hardest year of my mothers life. My mom spent the majority of the year constantly in and out of the hospital. My mom had cirrhosis which is a liver disease. She needed a liver transplant badly. A lot of people need liver transplants. Unfortunately it’s supply available versus the very high demand. Still- we had hope she would get one. I’ve written about my moms medical condition in the past. You can read those posts here. As the months passed by my mom was losing hope and becoming rapidly depressed. As the months passed by her health continued to decline.
The hardest side effect to her cirrhosis these past few months was when the hepatic encephalopathy would kick in. If you read the posts I linked in the paragraph above,I go more in depth with as to what hepatic encephalopathy is. My moms mental state would basically get altered at times…several times. Sometimes it would get so bad,she would get into a coma like state. It was such a scary experience to go through as well. Whenever she was back to her right state of mind she would apologize to me. I told her not to worry,because it wasn’t anything we could control really. She would still feel bad. I kept on telling her to have faith. I kept reminding myself to have faith. I would remind her she was on the top 50 list at Columbia University Medical Center for a liver transplant. At night I slept with my cellphone right next to me with the volume raised up high..waiting for that phone call from the hospital hopefully telling me they had a transplant for my mom. The days passed by…no phone call.
My mom was always telling me she wanted to die. I was on the phone with my friend the other day. She said “How much pain does a person have to be in,to wish death upon themselves?” And well..that just broke my heart even more. I could only see and hear my mom telling me how she felt,but to physically go through,what she has gone through. My heart felt for her even more. My mom was once so full of life. Those of you who know her. know what I’m talking about.
My mom was such a hard worker. She came to the United States from Guatemala in the early 80’s in hopes for a better life. She worked her ass off up until about a year and a half ago when her health started rapidly declining. She felt so bad about not being able to work anymore. She was sick of being confined to a bed. She loved to be social and shop. haha ..you see where I got that from? She was extremely talkative as well. That woman would talk your ear off! I might of gotten that from her as well. She was so bored in bed and really had no other option. She would just talk to her friends on the phone all day long. Sometimes she’d be too tired to talk or even watch tv. She would just lay there and sleep all day. I hoped and hoped I would get that phone call for a liver transplant for my mom..I always kept my phone near by.
Every hospital visit a part of me would freak out. Is this it? But my mom was a fighter. I almost lost her once last winter when she got really sick,but she fought through it and got better. I knew without the transplant my mom didn’t have much time left,but still..I had hope that she would get a transplant. Right before I brought her into the hospital this last time,her hepatic encephalopathy was kicking in. I knew the drill..if the H.E started to kick in to give her a little extra medicine to help clear the ammonia buildup she was probably experiencing. And it almost always worked. She would sleep it off and then slowly come back to her right state of mind. It wasn’t happening,so I decided to call for an ambulance before it got worse. We’ve gone through this before,or so I thought..I figured she’d be at the hospital for a few weeks..again..and then she’d be back home. Boy was I wrong…
This time my mom had multiple organ failure. This was it…The doctors tried everything they could. She was now on her death bed. Sunday the 29th I spent most of my day at the hospital after dropping Gabby off with her dad. I sat there holding my moms hand. For a moment it felt like she grasped it. I remember the doctor walking in..he checked on her and said she only had a few more days left if anything. I was so tired and had a raging headache for crying so much. I decided to head home. I was planning to come back to the hospital early on Monday since that’s when hospice was going to be there. I also planned on having Gabby’s dad bring Gabby to say her last goodbye to my mom. The doctor said she had a few days left..a few days…
At some point that night,I finally fell asleep. I was in a peaceful slumber when I saw my phone lighting up and ringing, it was 5:57 a.m,Monday December 30th,2013. I saw that the hospital was calling me. I knew what the dreaded phone call was. That was it. My mom was gone. She has died a few minutes ago. My heart felt so heavy. It was the worst moment of my life. I’m sobbing now as I type this. I thought she had a few days left… I should of stayed at the hospital. I would of had Gabby say bye to her sooner. I picked up the phone and called my aunt. She couldn’t even understand me because I was crying so much. I got dressed as fast as I could and waited outside for my aunt to pick me up so we could go to the hospital. I sat there on my stoop in the cold. I just sat there in disbelief.
When we got to my moms room she looked at peace. You could tell from her facial expression. She didn’t look in pain or discomfort like she was in before. Even seeing her with my 2 eyes, I couldn’t believe it. The only thing making me feel better is knowing that she isn’t suffering anymore. This past year was so rough. These last few weeks were so rough..Now she was resting in peace.
A part of me still feels this isn’t real. A part of me feels like if I open the door to her room she’ll be there. But she’s not. She’s physically gone now. Calling all her friends was so hard. My mom had so many people that cared about her. I’ve cried so much these last few days than I ever cried in my last 26 years of life. Tomorrow is her memorial service and I know that’s going to be tough..
Carlota Gudiel- You were an amazing MOM & DAD to me. You were an amazing Grandma to Gabby.Words can’t express how I feel right now. But I’m just at ease knowing you aren’t suffering anymore. I know you’re watching over Gabby and myself. You’ll always be in my heart. Thank you for all you have done for me. I love you. Rest In Peace.
My Mom and I the day I got baptized. (1987)
The last “family” picture we took. April 2013.
Mom and I when I was 1st born <3