It’s been a little bit over a year and a half since my mom passed away. (I’m already crying as I write this…) Lately I’ve been thinking about how I’m dealing with the loss of my mother. Some days are fine, and other days like today I just miss my mother so much. So, so much! I wish we were able to have one last conversation. I remember sitting next to her bed in the hospital hoping and praying that she would wake up from her coma-like state. I don’t know if that would have necessarily made a difference in things, in fact, perhaps that would have been worse. Though she never woke up again, I remember holding her hand and it felt as if though she squeezed my hand at one point. That made me feel slightly better because I felt like she knew I was there with her.
I still can’t believe she is gone. There are so many days I grab my phone and feel like calling her and well, I can’t. Some days I have amazing news I want to share with her, or some days I’m stressed out and want to talk to her, but I can’t. And I know…I know..some of you are going to say, I can still talk to her…and I do. But I just miss her physically being here. I know she’s still around. I know she’s watching over Gabby and myself, but I wish she were still alive. I feel like a part of me died with her.
I’ve cut so many people out of my life since she passed away. Some purposely and some unintentionally. It blew my mind to see who truly cared and well, who didn’t. Made me sad as well. Sometimes you realize friends care more about you then your own family. I’m learning to forgive because why hold on to resentment? I’m not 100% there yet, but I’m working on it. I’ll talk further about forgiveness in a later post.
I don’t feel like socializing at times. If you’re friends with me, or follow me on social media, I know you always see me attending events. Having fun…but that’s because I’m a blogger, and well it’s a part of my job. And I love it, don’t get me wrong. I love it! But for me to just go and hang out, I pretty much have to force myself. I feel like such a bad friend at times. I make plans and don’t follow through with them. If you’re one of those friends and you’re reading this, I’m sorry.
Yesterday a friend of mine hit me up, and pretty much told me I HAD TO go out and hang out with her. I’m surprised she even hit me up because I bailed on her so many times! Sorry D! And I’m so glad I went out! I had a great time! I realized the slump I was in and the need to snap out of it. I know my mom wouldn’t want me being as depressed as I have been. It’s just hard at times, but I’m going to work on it. I need to live my life as well.
Gabby misses my mom as well. It breaks my heart when she brings her up. But at least she’ll always have great memories of her grandma. And well, I’m glad my mom got to meet her 1st grandchild at least. I wish she were around to see Gabby grow up, but I know she’s watching over her, over us…
Have you ever lost a loved one? How did you deal? Does it ever get any better?
It’s insane how fast the months, the years go by…
I don’t know if I’ll ever feel 100% again, but I’m working on it.
Love you and miss you mom!
xo,Virginia aka Genie
(That’s what my mom called me…)
“I’ll see you again
You never really left
I feel you walk beside me
I know I’ll see you again.”